Today was my first meeting with Wellbeing 2.0. After plenty of doubt and debating, I finally made an appointment, to see if they could help me solve the status quo I’d landed in.
I’d never made an appointment before; last time people did everything on my behalf because I couldn’t see that I should get any help. So I was worried waiting for the appointment, as going in there while being ok felt like I was wasting their time. I was expecting irrationally negative events like the person not believing me at all or saying I was lying or exaggerating.
When I got there, the first thing I needed to do was filling in the general feelings questionnaire. I had to rate how much I agreed with statements such as “I felt unable to cope” or “I had trouble putting my problems aside” over the last week.
I figured that seeing as my visit was about preventing issues rather reacting to them, I wouldn’t be agreeing with many of the statements. However, I actually needed to answer many more statements than I expected, which was surprising.
Looking at my answers before we talked about them in any depth, the quickest way to sum them up was “a little bit of every issue”. I go about things the most awkward way possible sometimes.
After I filled in the questionnaire, I met my assessor, who will be known here as R. We talked about what I’m doing at uni and general background information, before moving on to discussing why I asked to see the service again. I explained about it mostly being to get a contact point and diagnosis sorted before anything could happen again, which I was worried could be taken badly- however, she not only completely understood but complimented my organisation and preparation. (Now that is a first!).
We talked a little about how I experience depersonalisation and dissociation, then moved on to going through my responses to the questionnaire.
Here’s where things got surprising.
Going through my answers and saying about how I generally saw things, much more sounded different than I expected. I also realised just how many of my negative thoughts and decisions were influenced by anxiety, which somehow wasn’t obvious until I heard myself say it out loud.
And then I dissociated because I confused myself (well done, brain).
So I was briefly really muddled-feeling and couldn’t take in anything that R said. I pulled it back a few minutes later, but we decided to stop the meeting early and to meet again next week to figure out what to do.
On one hand, I’m really annoyed at myself for reacting that way, but I’m also surprised I was able to say I needed to stop- before, I would have probably tried to keep going anyway and ended up just sat there appearing to listen.
This way may have been more socially awkward, but at least it was more honest. And if I’m finally going to get a diagnosis sorted, I’m going to need to be honest with people even when its difficult.