Category: Personal


Last week, I finally listened to my UWE wellbeing person and took the jump into going to a counselling session again. This was very different in circumstances and tone than when I went in 2012; both as it was a choice rather than something I was dragged in to, and because it was the kind of level that a first session is intended for, rather than the messy situation I came in with before.
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After having a few days of being on holiday; where I didn’t think about anything other than what was directly in front of me and the people I was with, coming back to reality has been slower than I expected.

My first sticking point has been uni.
I was still finishing off my dissertation proposal as my friends arrived to pick me up, so completed it in a rush. After that, the holiday was a uni-free zone.

And then I got back and realised I had 5 ongoing uni things to do, so proceeded to shove my head in the sand and ignore them.

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Uni vs Writing vs Anxiety

When it comes to uni work, I have two main modes of thought;

  1. feeling like I’ve faked my way into doing this well, and don’t deserve the grades and feedback I’ve received.
  2. feeling annoyed with myself because I should be doing more and better.

And knowing that’s completely illogical doesn’t help.

At the moment I get a lot of anxiety doing academic work. The work is so on the surface fun- thanks to interesting topics, new tasks beyond standard essays, and the atmosphere that I soak up during teaching blocks- that being anxious feels more dissonant and therefore somehow worse than what I experienced during college.
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It’s been a weird few weeks; I’ve ended up with my thoughts going down a lot of familiar bad paths. I’m hoping some of the thoughts are just because of the time of year- around the time of the worst parts happening I tend to get caught up in them.

Anniversary doesn’t feel like the right word, but I don’t know what to use instead. A day where time makes no sense, and the last four years fold down into seconds. Where I remember everything I did and felt as if I was doing it again, a feeling so absorbing that for a while I want to re-enact it. I have two of them, and one is today.
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My Diagnosis (or lack of) Experience…

I finally got a phonecall back from the CMS, but it really wasn’t the phonecall I expected.

In the last appointment, C3 seemed like she understood what I meant and was happy to talk to her team about sorting out what I can do next. But the phonecall was a lot more negative

Firstly, she said that she didn’t want to progress further as I only met some of the criteria and not others. Considering depersonalisation disorder (which is what I explained was the closest thing I could see to my experiences, and what I wanted to focus on) is basically defined by experiencing depersonalisation that causes negative effects and isn’t caused by anything else- in other words, exactly what I experience, and what I tried to explain to her is probably the thing underlying everything else- I don’t really see how she could have reached that conclusion.

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My Diagnosis Experience, Part 5

Yesterday, I finally had my appointment with C3.
Leading up to yesterday, I’ve been nervous about going back, more so than if I was seeing a stranger. The nerves are mostly from not knowing how she would interpret me, based on her unexpected assessment last time. Because all I remembered from before was the more negative parts, like the conversations I ended up confused by and L’s reaction to meeting her, I was expecting a bad experience. Instead she was friendly, and she remembered me to some extent; asking about church and uni.

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Referral Update

I woke up yesterday to two voicemails from the CMS, saying they’d received my referral and wanted me to phone and set up an appointment. I found that surprisingly quick, considering it’s not an emergency this time.

Following it up meant making a phonecall to a stranger, something I can now do but am still not a fan of. Mainly because I never know how to open the conversation- give me a script and I’m ok. However, as I was staring at my phone figuring out what to say, they called me- that made things easier!
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Wellbeing Visit 3 (and back to the GP).

When I phoned up to make the GP appointment, I was really surprised to find my original GP, the first one I saw 3 years ago, back at the practice. So I chose to start again with her- after the trouble I had switching from doctor to doctor before, trusting one person enough to route everything through them seemed the better option.

Luckily, that hope paid off- seeing her again instead of someone new was probably the best choice I could have made. Firstly, it meant she had a little knowledge of before, so she could ask useful questions to make sure that my return wasn’t because of the same issues as before.
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Wellbeing Visit 2

That meeting went better than I expected. I completed the small tasks R had given me, and gave her honest feedback. I also told her about the week I’d had at uni, both the bad and good parts.

Talking about my experiences to her is still odd; I’m still trying to present myself a certain way, even while knowing the whole point of wellbeing meetings is honesty.
I’m not sure how she sees me, so I’m doing what I always do, expecting people to see failure, flaws and awkwardness.

Given what happened with C3, it makes sense that I’m wary, despite the wellbeing service being the most trustworthy place I’ve used so far.
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